I've gone over a year without a full time job. I don't have a car, and my work history is such that my job opportunities are limited. I feel like a failure and am somewhat depressed. Really what is the point to struggling against the inevitable? There is not one person on this earth who loves me. I have no family, and I have no friends. If things were different, stable, I could say that improving myself so that if and when my daughters come back into my life, I'd have something I could be proud of to show them, but it doesn't look like I'll ever get the opportunity to do that. As much as I'd like to see my daughters again, at least they're being taken care of. I can't even be sure that I'd ever get the opportunity to anyway. There is just nothing to live for. Seriously. Why keep fighting.

Cautious Optomism

A few days ago, I did something to my left knee. Ever since then I've been limping, though not noticeably so today, I've medicated. I worked both yesterday and today. Today being medicated made it much easier. Yesterday was a difficult day. In the last week, I've had people both give and loan me money so that I could eat and get medicine so that I wouldn't be late for work. I paid one person who loaned me money back for their generosity and the person who loaned me money to get the medicine was also paid back.
The Lord really has looked out for me through the years. Though I do not know what I shall do when next month is fast approaching and I don't have money for rent; I am hopeful that things will work out. I've been threatened with having to leave twice because of taking the Lord's name in vain, once in the bathroom when I was angry, and once in my bedroom when I was angry. Now this has been a bit of a sore spot with me. I'm weak. I admit that I'm weak. Controlling my temper and my tongue has always been a bit of a struggle. The Lord knows that I truly do not mean anything by my slip of the tongue and he has had a phenominal amount of patience with me and blessed me despite my weaknesses. I wonder what gives the people that I stay with the right to assume that they speak for the Lord, and undertake to champion his cause. Do they not know that he can speak for himself and often does so quite well, and much better and with greater efficacy than they can hope to impart?
People in possession of pride and hypocritical natures really should beware when seeking to help someone they perceive to be in need of help. It's an old addage but true from the scriptures something to the effect of "Seek ye first to remove the beam that is in thine own eye, before thou seekest to remove the mote that is in thy brother's eye, that thou mayest see clearly." Or you could say that people in glass houses should not throw stones and basically say the same thing.

In any case, no matter what happens, I feel that the Lord continues to bless me in my circumstances. I think I need to put more effort into progessing along with my goals and the first step in that would be to increase my efforts to find a full time job so that I can pay off my bills and go back to school. Here's hoping that next month I still have a place to live and that I may by some miracle find full time work in the next week or two. Perhaps that would allow me to preserve my home, such as it is.

Truth and stuff

Elizabeth and Megan:

You guys are my world. Though we are separated now, it is but a short moment. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you both. I used to have your pictures on my screensaver but eventually they caused me so much pain that I took them down. You are always in my thoughts, always in my heart and always in my prayers.  I am sincerely sorry for the mistakes that I made as a father. None of that seemed to play much into being able to get you. My lack of stability seemed to play a large part in that. I miss you both terribly. Alex, thank you for that last letter. I hope in 6 years, you are in fact able to come and visit me and I hope that I will by then have arranged my life so that you can be proud of me. In my heart I would do anything for you guys. The reality is I don't have the power to do much of anything. Here's hoping that I will still be around in 6 or 7 years, and that I will have placed myself in a position in which you can be proud of me.

I know once I told you guys about Kayc. You'll never meet her. She was only interested in me for sex, and eventually that really bored me. I made it so that she lost interest in me but did so in such a way that I gave her the opportunity to change. She chose sex over me. I hope you guys have better luck with stuff like that. I'm giving up on it. I also hope you've got a decent set of morals. Those seem to be lacking in today's society. I hope you one day get to meet your aunt Rachel. She reminded me a lot of me when she was young.

I miss you both and I hope you find your way back to me. Megan: I'm sorry that I wasn't able to get you a birthday present on your last birthday. You still should have written me something like your sister did. I love you guys, always and forever.

Core Values

I realized something today. Ever since I went in and talked to my church leader, I have felt a burden has been lifted from me. I always thought it was financial stress but it seems to me that perhaps the bulk of it was guilt and worry. I feel so much better now. I had prayed to know if going forward with things in my church would be right at this time and I feel that the way things have gone since I have made that decision have born testimony to the fact that it's the right decision. I've enjoyed a spiritual enlightenment that I have not felt in several years, and a closeness to the spirit I haven't known in awhile.

I feel cleaner. My thoughts are more pure. Am I perfect? Heck no. Is it easier to do good things and is there less of an interest in inappropriate things? Definitely. I'm really quite grateful that things have turned out how they have. I can't undo the past. I can only learn from it and build on it.

Semblance of Continuity

I'm writing this at about the same time I wrote my last post. Since I wrote, I have done some soul searching, scripture study and prayer. I've begun to feel the love that God has for all of his children in my life again, no longer feeling abandoned. This is good, considering I've lost everything and everyone I've ever cared about.

Anyway, I've been feeling much better lately. I've worked with my local church leader to resolve some issues that have stood in the way of me being considered a good member and I'm on track to getting all that resolved very soon. Since my faith is a major part of who I am, it is an extraordinary relief to have things back on track after years of being derailed by my ex. I really wish I had never gotten involved with my ex fiancée.

I thought by doing so I would be able to do something that ultimately failed. On top of that I lost money and I'm still waiting on that selfish person to return my things. I guess I'm grateful she hasn't thrown them away yet. Why does no one keep their word in today's world? Mainly though, when I was involved, I was doing things that I really should not have been and allowed myself to be influenced down a path that brought me nothing but pain.
I'm glad to be free of it and her.

This blog isn't about her though, so moving on. I'm supposed to go to the DMV on Wed. to determine what I need to do to get tags for a car. I have someone willing to try and help me get a car, I just have to be able at the least to get tags for the car. I finally found my W-2's so I'll be able to do something about that soon as well.

I'm quite distracted at the moment and I hope that as I write in this more consistently that my content will improve in length and quality.

Introduction

Ok, I admit it. I've never blogged or written much of anything. I grew up first in Baltimore, MD. I was born on Halloween. Yes, as a matter of fact, I have heard all the jokes. Plenty more to come. Stay tuned :)