2015 A Mid Year Review

Wow. I look back and I haven't written anything in about 4 years. Back in 2013 I left my almost full time position in a warehouse to go back to school. The way it was looking I wasn't going to progress as much as I wanted to had I remained in that position and the only way to fix the problem was to go to school.

So I undertook to go back to school and encountered numerous difficulties. In order to cope with them I started cutting again. Not exactly a great coping mechanism, but you probably already knew that. I didn't stop until last year when my cutting nearly cost me my life. Had I not called a friend to take me to the hospital, I wouldn't be here writing this. I had 8 internal stiches and I forget how many external. I have pics if you want to see, but you probably don't want that.

In the two years I went to school so far I kept vacillating between full time and part time student status. Because of that I'm in a situation where I only have 8 credits in that entire time and my financial aid got pulled because of lack of satisfactory progress toward degree completion. I have been attending counseling and got together with the disability support services at the school for some accommodations but basically I went about that too late.

I suppose I can petition to have my financial aid status restored and I will eventually do that but for now I have to pay the school $572.00 that I owe them and I didn't apply for financial aid for next year so when I go, I will have to pay for it on my own which probably means I won't go until spring and then it will be a couple of classes. I took a chance and went from my reasonably stable but under hours part time job to work for a small business while I was in school.

The person I worked for did not fulfill any of his commitments to me then showed me a side of himself I really could have done without. I had to threaten him with two different government agencies before he finally coughed up the money he owed me a month after the fact. Because I put my faith in that dubious individual I now stand unemployed. So far the job search isn't going well at all but I do occasionally get interviews. It's hard not to be discouraged.

I am thinking again about my long term goals. This year I will be 45. I can't give up on school and I've been giving serious consideration to the path that I was taking in school. I have decided to alter my original plan of getting an associates in nursing then getting licensed and continuing to go to school until I had a master's degree, to possibly seeking a degree in psychology through the master's level or perhaps even going to medical school and getting a combined degree (M.D., P.h.D).

I've not nailed down precisely where I want to end up but the general idea is laid out and I have plenty of time to walk the path and firm up exactly what I would like to pursue. If I do decide to be a doctor or a medical scientist, I wonder if I will experience age discrimination, or if perhaps I will gain respect for my accomplishments as long as I meet the standards like everyone else. One thing is for sure. I'm going to be an old man when I get done.

But what else would I be doing, really? Still feels like it's worth the effort and time well spent.

I've gone over a year without a full time job. I don't have a car, and my work history is such that my job opportunities are limited. I feel like a failure and am somewhat depressed. Really what is the point to struggling against the inevitable? There is not one person on this earth who loves me. I have no family, and I have no friends. If things were different, stable, I could say that improving myself so that if and when my daughters come back into my life, I'd have something I could be proud of to show them, but it doesn't look like I'll ever get the opportunity to do that. As much as I'd like to see my daughters again, at least they're being taken care of. I can't even be sure that I'd ever get the opportunity to anyway. There is just nothing to live for. Seriously. Why keep fighting.

Cautious Optomism

A few days ago, I did something to my left knee. Ever since then I've been limping, though not noticeably so today, I've medicated. I worked both yesterday and today. Today being medicated made it much easier. Yesterday was a difficult day. In the last week, I've had people both give and loan me money so that I could eat and get medicine so that I wouldn't be late for work. I paid one person who loaned me money back for their generosity and the person who loaned me money to get the medicine was also paid back.
The Lord really has looked out for me through the years. Though I do not know what I shall do when next month is fast approaching and I don't have money for rent; I am hopeful that things will work out. I've been threatened with having to leave twice because of taking the Lord's name in vain, once in the bathroom when I was angry, and once in my bedroom when I was angry. Now this has been a bit of a sore spot with me. I'm weak. I admit that I'm weak. Controlling my temper and my tongue has always been a bit of a struggle. The Lord knows that I truly do not mean anything by my slip of the tongue and he has had a phenominal amount of patience with me and blessed me despite my weaknesses. I wonder what gives the people that I stay with the right to assume that they speak for the Lord, and undertake to champion his cause. Do they not know that he can speak for himself and often does so quite well, and much better and with greater efficacy than they can hope to impart?
People in possession of pride and hypocritical natures really should beware when seeking to help someone they perceive to be in need of help. It's an old addage but true from the scriptures something to the effect of "Seek ye first to remove the beam that is in thine own eye, before thou seekest to remove the mote that is in thy brother's eye, that thou mayest see clearly." Or you could say that people in glass houses should not throw stones and basically say the same thing.

In any case, no matter what happens, I feel that the Lord continues to bless me in my circumstances. I think I need to put more effort into progessing along with my goals and the first step in that would be to increase my efforts to find a full time job so that I can pay off my bills and go back to school. Here's hoping that next month I still have a place to live and that I may by some miracle find full time work in the next week or two. Perhaps that would allow me to preserve my home, such as it is.

Truth and stuff

Elizabeth and Megan:

You guys are my world. Though we are separated now, it is but a short moment. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you both. I used to have your pictures on my screensaver but eventually they caused me so much pain that I took them down. You are always in my thoughts, always in my heart and always in my prayers.  I am sincerely sorry for the mistakes that I made as a father. None of that seemed to play much into being able to get you. My lack of stability seemed to play a large part in that. I miss you both terribly. Alex, thank you for that last letter. I hope in 6 years, you are in fact able to come and visit me and I hope that I will by then have arranged my life so that you can be proud of me. In my heart I would do anything for you guys. The reality is I don't have the power to do much of anything. Here's hoping that I will still be around in 6 or 7 years, and that I will have placed myself in a position in which you can be proud of me.

I know once I told you guys about Kayc. You'll never meet her. She was only interested in me for sex, and eventually that really bored me. I made it so that she lost interest in me but did so in such a way that I gave her the opportunity to change. She chose sex over me. I hope you guys have better luck with stuff like that. I'm giving up on it. I also hope you've got a decent set of morals. Those seem to be lacking in today's society. I hope you one day get to meet your aunt Rachel. She reminded me a lot of me when she was young.

I miss you both and I hope you find your way back to me. Megan: I'm sorry that I wasn't able to get you a birthday present on your last birthday. You still should have written me something like your sister did. I love you guys, always and forever.

Core Values

I realized something today. Ever since I went in and talked to my church leader, I have felt a burden has been lifted from me. I always thought it was financial stress but it seems to me that perhaps the bulk of it was guilt and worry. I feel so much better now. I had prayed to know if going forward with things in my church would be right at this time and I feel that the way things have gone since I have made that decision have born testimony to the fact that it's the right decision. I've enjoyed a spiritual enlightenment that I have not felt in several years, and a closeness to the spirit I haven't known in awhile.

I feel cleaner. My thoughts are more pure. Am I perfect? Heck no. Is it easier to do good things and is there less of an interest in inappropriate things? Definitely. I'm really quite grateful that things have turned out how they have. I can't undo the past. I can only learn from it and build on it.

Semblance of Continuity

I'm writing this at about the same time I wrote my last post. Since I wrote, I have done some soul searching, scripture study and prayer. I've begun to feel the love that God has for all of his children in my life again, no longer feeling abandoned. This is good, considering I've lost everything and everyone I've ever cared about.

Anyway, I've been feeling much better lately. I've worked with my local church leader to resolve some issues that have stood in the way of me being considered a good member and I'm on track to getting all that resolved very soon. Since my faith is a major part of who I am, it is an extraordinary relief to have things back on track after years of being derailed by my ex. I really wish I had never gotten involved with my ex fiancée.

I thought by doing so I would be able to do something that ultimately failed. On top of that I lost money and I'm still waiting on that selfish person to return my things. I guess I'm grateful she hasn't thrown them away yet. Why does no one keep their word in today's world? Mainly though, when I was involved, I was doing things that I really should not have been and allowed myself to be influenced down a path that brought me nothing but pain.
I'm glad to be free of it and her.

This blog isn't about her though, so moving on. I'm supposed to go to the DMV on Wed. to determine what I need to do to get tags for a car. I have someone willing to try and help me get a car, I just have to be able at the least to get tags for the car. I finally found my W-2's so I'll be able to do something about that soon as well.

I'm quite distracted at the moment and I hope that as I write in this more consistently that my content will improve in length and quality.

Introduction

Ok, I admit it. I've never blogged or written much of anything. I grew up first in Baltimore, MD. I was born on Halloween. Yes, as a matter of fact, I have heard all the jokes. Plenty more to come. Stay tuned :)